Our little speed bump that we have hit in this adoption is exactly that. It is not a unpassable barrier or a wall that can not be breached. It is here to slow me down. Make me slow down my life long enough to realize what is going on, to keep me from missing some very important things.
This speed bump is more of a detour that has taken me away from my normal life to teach me what I am missing, what I am doing wrong. The detour will result in putting my life back on path. I just hope that path is a much more enlightened one and one that I don’t easily stray from.
One of the things that has been a blessing in disguise has been being away from my husband, Sadie, and Nolen. I never thought that being away from my family that I have clung to so much could bless me, but it has. Don’t get me wrong it still hurts, deeply. It has been nearly two months since I have seen the other members of my nuclear family. Almost two months since I have smelled the sweet smell of my Sadie, poked the precious dimples of Nolen, and cherished in the company of my husband. My body aches for their presence more than I knew was possible.
I now find myself not wanting to think about the details of their daily life. I don’t want to know when the children’s Christmas programs are because I don’t want to look down at my watch today and realize that I am missing it. I don’t need to know when they are visiting Santa or when they are opening their Christmas presents. I will look at the videos and photos multiple times in the future with tears pouring down my face, but not today. It is at this time easiest to just not let my mind go there. Not let it hope for their embrace or think about all that is occurring in their lives. It is becoming easier in a sense to forget. This is very difficult to admit. I am not forever forgetting them but for this minute it is easier to not have them in my thoughts. I know this probably sounds awful to anyone who has never found themselves in this situation but I also realize how much of a blessing it is.
I now realize just how much I idolatrize my family. Using my family as a form of idolatry has been something I have struggled with for a while now. I have known it has existed and feel like it is an ever present thing in almost all families. But it has taken this trip to reveal to me just how much I do it. It is common to think of idols as small figures that people worship but they are found in all aspects of our everyday life. Our pastor many times has defined idolatry as looking to something that is man made to give you comfort that can only be provided by the creator.
I have been looking to my husband and children for comfort. They have been my idol. Being away from them for this period of time has made this very real to me. When I am hurting and struggling and my family is present it is so easy to lean on them, they will hold me up, and support me. But that is not what I need, that is not what He wants. He wants me to lean on Him and He will support me.
Paul spends a bit of his time in I Corinthians speaking on singleness. I am not single and do not plan on it. But I think I now actually understand just what he is getting at. Paul simply says that he is giving up the opportunity for family, for a wife, for children, so he can serve the Lord. He wanted no more idols to come between him and his creator. Wow. My blessing and pain has been being away from my family. I am learning that is more of a blessing to them for me not to idolatrize them, not to look to them for comfort. For when I look to them for comfort I will always be disappointed because only He can comfort me. Though I ache for Chad's company, I need more than food or water Jesus' embrace.